My Insecurity Story

My Insecurity Story

Hi guys! I can't believe I'm finally sitting down and writing this post. It's definitely going to be a personal one and a bit emotional for me to write, too. It's also going to be LONG so grab a drink & a snack and be prepared for some juicy details (kinda, not really! lol).

I just want to start out by saying that the reason why I'm sharing this story and my experiences in the past is because I hope to provide hope, inspiration, and motivation for all of you amazing women out there. I also want to say that I know there are people in the world with much bigger issues than the ones I'm about to share with you today. I am not trying to get any pity or sympathy from you, I just want you to feel like you are not alone and that there are SO many of us who deal with being insecure daily. That being said, I'm also not trying to discount the experiences I've gone through to make me who I am today. It took me a while to realize HOW insecure I am and what caused this insecurity in my life. I'm obviously not an expert at this and like I said before, I just want to share my story so you know you're not alone.

That being said, let's start at the beginning. Or what I consider to be the beginning. I was 15 years old and in my first "serious" relationship. This relationship also happened to be an abusive relationship. But I was 15, what did I know? I started out in this relationship in my Sophomore year of High School and like I said, it was my first "serious" relationship so I was so happy and excited about it. I guess you could say that I was "blinded" by the excitement and did not see the relationship for what it truly was. Unfortunately, this relationship went on for 2 years.

I don't want to share TOO much but I will share some of the terrible things that happened to me during this relationship. I don't even know WHEN the abusiveness and name calling, etc began, but I do know that it did not end soon enough. I was constantly controlled by my boyfriend and I would continually make up excuses for why he was acting the way he was acting. I was not allowed to talk to any other guys (I pretty much have 0 guy friends from HS because of this) and if he saw a number on my phone from anyone he didn't know, that was the end of that! Literally. He would break my phone in half. This happened AT LEAST 3 times. The worst part is, I had to lie to my parents about it every single time. I still do not know if my parents know the truth behind my phone breaking so much. He would constantly have to read my texts to be sure I wasn't talking to anyone "I wasn't supposed to." Mind you, he was allowed to text anyone and everyone he wanted and it did not matter about my feelings at all. So, yeah.

It got to the point where I was so nervous about doing anything wrong to make him angry or upset him that I didn't even try to maintain my friendships. I would have to go to his house or he would come to my house every day after school. If I didn't have makeup on, he immediately told me to "go put makeup on" which at the time, I truly believed I was UGLY without makeup on. He called me fat multiple times a week. It happened so much that I actually thought I was fat. He and his brother would actually laugh at me and make fun of how "big" my calves were. I can't even tell you the amount of times I was called "dumb" or a "slut" or a "whore." Which let me tell you, I am definitely not any of those things. But when you hear it so much, your brain becomes trained to think such things are true. To this day, I still do not believe I am smart. I have to remind myself of all that I've accomplished (I've gotten through HS, college, & grad school) and I've started my own business (which keeps going bc of YOU GUYS!). I'm obviously not dumb. These thoughts are SO incredibly irrational and I am constantly working to push them out of my mind and remind myself of how far I've come and how much I've accomplished at the age of 25.

There would be times where we'd be in arguments and his mother would stand outside his bedroom door while he was screaming at me and shoving me to make sure the fight didn't get too out of hand. I remember one time I went to a "house party" (wasn't much of a party, more like a gathering lol) with my friends (HOW DARE I!) and he was so furious at me for going that he made his mom come and pick me up. That night he spent the rest of the night telling me how "worthless" (yes, he actually used that word towards me MULTIPLE times) and "dumb" I was. This was one of those times that his mom stood outside his bedroom door to make sure things didn't get too out of hand.

I would be driving us somewhere, and he would randomly decide to put the car in neutral WHILE I WAS DRIVING. Laughing the whole time while I tried to figure out what happened. Keep in mind, I was a new driver, and this is how he treated the fact that I was willing enough to drive him places. It was all a joke to him - seeing me worked up and bent out of shape gave him satisfaction. It was truly disgusting.

I remember one morning - this was probably the worst experience of my life (or one of them) because I had to lie to my mom to her face - we got into a terrible fight (again *rolls eyes*) over him thinking that I was talking to another guy. We met up in our cars and he was reprimanding me for being dumb, etc. etc. and I wasn't having it. At this point he was so angry that he actually hit me in the face. I honestly don't know if that's what he was aiming for (either way, DON'T PUT YOUR HANDS ON A WOMAN) but he ended up essentially "punching" me in the lip. This was horrifying for me. I'd dealt with his shoving and pushing and his evil words, but seeing him make me bleed was truly shocking. I immediately went home right away and my mom came downstairs and saw that I was bleeding. I don't remember what lie I made up that day (and why the HECK I was still trying to cover up the fact that I was getting abused) but lying to my mother to her face was my lowest point. I think we went on for a few more months and continued this pattern that we'd gotten used to.

You may be wondering why the heck I didn't break up with him sooner. I don't blame you for wondering that. I WISH it was that easy. I tried to end things SO many times but there is that "cycle" in abusive relationships that I'm sure you've all heard about. We'd have these crazy fights, he'd come back and say how damn sorry he was (nooo he wasn't) and I'd be foolish enough to believe the lies. He'd buy me wonderful gifts so I'd stay with him. It was not easy to escape.

Finally, it was time for me to go to college. Of course he had a say in where I went. "Don't leave me" etc. and all that. So me, being the loyal (or scared) girlfriend that I was, applied to all local schools. I ended up at Fairfield University, a quick 15 minute drive from my hometown (where this boyfriend also lived). I ended up loving my decision and made great friends there BUT I still, to this day, wonder what my life would be like now if I had decided to go farther away like I had always wanted.

Anyways, the first few weekends that I was at school, this boyfriend made damn sure I did not have a social life. He came and picked me up each weekend (I think this happened for 2 weekends) and made me spend the weekend at his house with him. After I realized how much I was missing out on, I took a stand and realized that this was my chance to get away. I finally told him that I wanted to break up and I was damn sure of this decision. I don't remember how this all happened or what order it all happened in but there were days that he'd come to campus (without my knowledge) and come to my dorm room and we'd have SCREAMING fights. One time it got so out of hand that he poured a water bottle all over the keyboard of my laptop. Insane. One morning he showed up on campus (thank GOD I wasn't in my room) and he told my roommates that he was not going to leave until he talked to me. This was the day that I knew I had to take a serious step and get a restraining order against him and ban him from campus. Thank God my sister went to Fairfield University as well and she and her friends were able to "rescue" me from this situation.

Turns out, this boyfriend stole my blanky from my dorm room. He said he took it because he knew I needed it and that he thought I'd have to see him if he knew I had it. Nope. He apparently wrote a letter and delivered the blanky to my parent's house. I never read the letter and I'm glad I didn't. By this point I had changed my cell phone number and blocked him on all social media, etc.  You may think this is the end of him here, but just wait.

Let's move on to the next chapter. After being in such a unhealthy relationship, you'd think I'd be smart enough to stay out of one for a while, right? Nah, not me. Here I am, a few weeks into my first year in college and I find myself with ANOTHER boyfriend. Lauren, WHY? Anyways, at first this new guy was great! SO much better than the first, but that didn't take much.

So everything was going great (or what I thought was great because I was used to such sh*t) but that all changed when I made a mistake a few months in to my freshman year. I had finally made a few close friends, some that were guys, and I guess I was oblivious and didn't realize that one of these friends had more in mind than being "just friends" and one night we both had too much to drink (sorry mom!) and he ended up kissing me. It took me a few seconds to push him off, but in the end I did and I told him we couldn't do that. My bigger mistake was not being open with my boyfriend about it when it happened. He happened to find out a week later from a friend who was on the lacrosse team with the boy who had kissed me. I denied it until I finally had to tell the truth. Obviously I learned from that mistake because after that our relationship literally went downhill and continued to get worse.

I think we spent 2 weeks broken up and me asking for his forgiveness. To be honest, I was still kind of unsure if I wanted to be with him or if I wanted to see where things could go with the other guy who had interest in me. I had actually tried to break up with him before anything happened with the other guy but he convinced me he'd give me more attention, etc. We ended up getting back together, he told me he still wanted to be with me, etc. Little did I know that the relationship was never going to be the same. He did not trust me ONE BIT. Any contact I came in with another guy caused a fight. Thankfully this guy was not physically abusive, just verbally (LOL THANKFULLY???). It's honestly sad that I'm thankful that he was only verbally abusive. But that's what my life had become.

Ever since that day, I was always walking on eggshells with him. I couldn't really do what I wanted. I couldn't really have any guy friends because I was told by him that they always wanted to be more than friends. Anyways, long story short, I was constantly called names (b*tch, slut, whore, allll that good stuff) and I just took it and blamed myself for it because of what I had done. This guy says he never cheated on me but honestly, he probably did. I was told by multiple people that he was alone in a room with a girl at a party. He denies it, she doesn't deny it but she says that they "just talked" (lol yea right). I caught him in lies quite often, and he would just laugh when I confronted him about it. He called it "nervous laughter." Yeah well I call it trying to cover up a lie and make me look like an idiot. I don't believe that what I did caused me to deserve to be treated the way he treated me. 

During my sophomore year of college we'd go out to parties at the "townhouses." One night me and my friends decided to go to the townhouses to someones party and next thing you know, I get a text that says "____is here on campus."This text was referring to Boyfriend #1. How did he get on campus when he was banned, you ask? Good freakin' question. My obvious reaction was to freak out because I hadn't seen this guy since we broke up and I damn well was NOT ready to see him again that night. I immediately told my boyfriend of the time and his reaction was god awful. He did not give a sh*t that this guy who used to hit me and abuse me was on campus and was probably going to try to see me that night. Boyfriend #2 (great song, lol) pretty much abandoned me that night because he didn't want to deal with that. I should have known then that someone who did not care about my safety, did not deserve me in their life. Turns out Boyfriend #1's brother ended up going to Fairfield University and Boyfriend #1 was there visiting him. He somehow got past Public Safety but thankfully I did not end up seeing him that night.

One time we went to this big fancy party, which my sister and her now husband were at too. This party was located off campus and we had to take a bus there. It was supposed to be such a fun party but for some reason (I honestly don't remember why) this boyfriend was all of the sudden mad at me. It could have been because another guy talked to me, or looked at me in some kind of way that insinuated that something went on between us. I really don't remember. We did not spend much time together at this party. I was in tears for most of it and I'm so lucky that my sister was there for me otherwise I would have been lost and alone. By the time it ended, we were still not talking and he was just as mad as he was at the start. We got dropped off back at campus (we both lived off campus) but this guy LEFT ME ON CAMPUS alone. With no ride. No way to get home. But don't you worry, he didn't forget to tell me how big of a b*tch and slut I was before he left. Such a gentleman, right? The worst (or best??) part is that my sister heard all of the terrible things he said to me that night. I'm grateful that she was there to experience it because again, I was hiding the truth from my friends and family. I was blinded by what I thought was "love" and I was afraid of ending such a long relationship (I think at this point we'd been together for 4 or 5 years).

Another incident that occurred was that one of this boyfriend's friends tried to get me to cheat on this boyfriend with him, he grabbed my butt and touched me inappropriately (there's a lot more to this but I'm not going to get into it in this post). Long story short, I told my boyfriend exactly what happened and he manipulated the situation and said that I ruined their friendship. He made ME feel guilty for one of HIS FRIENDS trying to get me to cheat on him! How could I have been so brainwashed to think that I was actually in the wrong? To this day, I look back on this incident and I'm still in shock of how it played out. My friends were there and know EXACTLY what happened and can back me up 100%, but that wasn't enough.I've never told anyone this part and it's actually really hard for me to write about right now because looking back on it, I was an idiot for going along with this. BUT our relationship had gotten so bad and there was literally ZERO trust after the incident with his friend so his solution at the time was for me to take a lie detector test. I had resisted doing this for like a year I think before I finally gave in and went for it. I had to drive up to some random part of CT in the middle of nowhere and meet with some strange guy that I did not know to take this lie detector test. I forget if I sent the questions (that he had formulated for me) or if he sent the questions to the agency but this was one of THE MOST uncomfortable experiences of my life. I obviously passed the test because I was not lying about anything and I had been completely truthful with him. Still, after he got the results, the trust was never the same. I still cannot believe I let someone control me THIS much and that I have kept it a secret from everyone for so long.

I honestly forget a lot of the details but this boyfriend and I ended up breaking up in March? Sometime around then. But at this point, I don't think either of us were really ready to let go. I must say that my family was not a fan of him any longer because they knew how much we fought and the terrible things we said to each other. Yes, I'm not innocent, I turned into someone I HATE and I wasn't nice. But that should've been a sign to me that this relationship was unhealthy, too. We continued to talk throughout this "breakup" and we'd occasionally see each other out. This brought some "excitement" back and we thought maybe we'd try the relationship again. My family was really unhappy with my decision to do this, but I knew this was something I had to do otherwise I'd always wonder "what if."

We ended up breaking up officially in December (after getting back together in July) and it was honestly a really, really hard breakup. I don't think either of us truly loved each other anymore. Of course, being with someone for 6 years, you feel like you love them, but in reality I think I just was comfortable and held onto the idea of what the relationship could have been. It was such a hard breakup because he wasn't ready for it. He still tried to convince me that it could work (no, it couldn't!) even though he had told me things like he wouldn't come to my family parties until we were ENGAGED. Like oook? Not gonna happen. I remember he said to me that he couldn't believe that was the last time he'd ever get to hug me. He was right though. I'm realizing now that he never deserved my love and he took complete advantage of my heart and my soul. I have not seen or talked to this ex boyfriend since we broke up that day. It was a weird feeling for sure - talking to someone every single day for 6 years, to just dropping them out of your life - but it was necessary.

After reading over this post my sister asked me what made me not want to tell anyone while all of this was going on. My answer to her was that I had a fear of letting go. I thought I was in love with these people and I thought that they could change for me. I'm not trying to say that people can't change, because I totally think they can (I am a COMPLETELY different person than my 15 year old self) but in these instances, I was too hopeful. I knew that once I told someone about these issues and all of the abuse, there was no going back from that. If you see any signs of this, be careful. Look out for yourself because you truly do not know while you're in it how much it can change you as a person. 

Now, let's get to the good stuff. In to my life walks Nick. Or should I say, into Nick's life I walked?? I'm not going to tell mine & Nick's full story now because it's a long one and its a good one and he deserves his own post because he's truly amazing.

I just have to say that our relationship is in no way perfect. We have had many ups and downs. These insecurities that I have built up inside of me definitely have come out in our relationship. I'm trained to think that there's some hidden agenda or some hidden lie. I've been trained to believe that when Nick tells me I'm beautiful, it's because he feels like he has to. I'm trained to think that when he tells me my body is perfect, that he's lying. What I need to remember, is that I truly believe all of those things about him (I love him, he's HOT, his body is awesome, he's hilarious, he has such a big heart, he's hardworking, I could go on & on...) so why the HECK do I think he truly wouldn't believe all of that in me? Why would he be with me if he truly did not love me for all of me and who I am? I remind myself of this constantly. I've also told him that extra reassurance helps and he's really good about that.

I am SO thankful for the amazing people that are in my life today. If it weren't for my friends and family sticking by me throughout these struggles, I honestly don't know where I'd be today. How many times they must have thought, "oh great, Lauren and ____ are fighting again," yet they stuck by my side and they have been there for me throughout all of this. If you are going through anything like what I went through, TELL SOMEONE. I know it's scary because you don't know what the heck will happen when someone finds out, but BELIEVE ME, you will feel so much better and it will help you in the end! That is definitely one mistake that I made. I wish I had trusted the people in my life more during these times of need and didn't keep it all bottled up. Please don't make up excuses for these people in your life who are causing you harm or pain. The amount of times that I would say "he's just mad at me because I did _____" is unbelievable. I should NEVER have taken the blame for the pain I was put through. It is NOT your fault that someone chooses to abuse you or say hurtful words to you. That is NOT the solution. Please, please be stronger than I was and stick up for yourself! You are AMAZING and you deserve to be treated that way.

I hope me sharing this LONG ASS STORY of a bit of my life helps those of you out there who are feeling insecure. I'm working on it constantly and so many of you reached out to me after I shared a tidbit of it on my Instagram Stories the other day saying that you feel the same way. I have definitely left out a lot of what happened throughout these relationships for the sake of their privacy, etc. but I shared the important parts. Thank you to all of you for giving me the courage to share this story with you. I hope that none of you have dealt with any of this in the past, but if you have, I hope that me sharing my story helps you.

Please do not hesitate to reach out if you have any questions or any thing at all to say in regards to this. You guys are amazing and I'm so lucky to have such amazing readers like you!! If you know anyone who may be going through something like this, PLEASE share my story with them. Let them know they are not alone! <3

Thank you for reading!XO, Lauren

Here's to all the amazing people in my life who have helped me overcome all of this and who have been the most amazing friends to me throughout this battle. THANK YOU! If you're not in one of these pictures it doesn't mean I'm not thankful for you!